Losing Little Brother:-
Losing little brother there’s nothing like mean he was my only sibling and he was my younger sibling and it was my job to protect him and when lost him felt like lost half of my soul remember saying to somebody and it hadn’t even been a year and was like don’t ever ever expect me to get over the loss of him because no matter how many years go by it will always be beside me and it will always.
Always be heartbroken about it will never be able to get over it time does heal things but time can also make you think differently and ask different questions and wonder different things and realize different things that you wish you’d never realized even recently like people make a big deal out of little things and you know God bless them for wanting it perfect but when something that massive has happened to you you really learn to pick your fights and and just not .
Perspective After Catastrophe:-
Let the little things upset you because once once something so horrific mean catastrophic happens in your life there’s not much that can that can really rock you when my little brother passed away my body did something have never really seen it do before which was within days I basically just like ballooned ballooned out and know like stress and cortisol like running through your body you know can do that I tried everything everything unhealthy everything healthy you know didn’t matter what I ate it didn’t matter.
I did my body just was like it it was like protecting itself like shielding itself from the world got to see these hor horrific Paparazzi pictures of me coming out of the his funeral which happened in a very private place where we grew up so it was shocking and it just didn’t even recognize myself um and it was making me it was bringing out the agoraphobia in me as well which isn’t something always struggled with lived in sweatpants and t-shirts and and things that that swallowed me up and and were not flattering on me it took me so long to pick out an outfit that felt comfortable enough in to just leave the house go meet up with friends .
The Physical Impact of Grief :-
And so it became like that really bad destructive hamster wheel of like do feel good enough to go out don’t feel confident enough to but if don’t go out and if don’t keep moving then I’m going to I’m never going to move away from looking like this I became desperate because I wanted to keep working but didn’t want to go and be miserable on set and I didn’t want to go to fittings and and look at my myself in the mirror and hate everything that saw on my on myself my publicist and close friend Casey kitchen .
Was venting to her and and she put me in touch with with my personal trainer Marney and Marney is just this incredible human being have always hated um working out her approach towards not just the exercise part which is mind mindboggling but it’s also the way that she goes about it it’s not a boot camp it’s not somebody you it’s not you leaving feeling disappointed in yourself she knew when it was just the right time to to push me a little harder by saying like you can do this you doing this for you promise you .
Struggling with Self-Image:-
Like it will never hurt as bad as it hurts right right now this time like do it for you girl she became you know a friend she be became a life coach it’s not easy for someone in my position to trust people especially people haven’t known for a very long time but she earned my trust and told her would confide in her and confess everything and she knew how to make you feel just empowered she’s beautiful and she came out just like me mean talk about nature versus nurture mean this little girl literally came out not just her face.
Like resembling mine but she is my personality she just is saw her in her school play once it was it was it was more of like a Christmas special thing and she was more con concerned about directing the kid next to her in his steps than she was about what she was doing like leaving this poor kid alone like just do your stuff and she’s like come on man like turn around what’s wrong with you going like this in front of everyone was like that’s mine that’s my kid maybe she’ll be a director yes maybe she’ll be a director she golfs.
A Breakthrough in Fitnes:-
She just training for golf and even in the winter time she goes to those indoor ones with the screens um she plays chess she was born mean loving to swim and and but horses are are her horses are her life was sitting down with her and her dad Vladimir and and he was telling me about this new school and she she just sat there like like this and he was telling me how she did not like to go to school and was like why and Vlad wanted to tell me he said why let me tell you what because some of her friends go to school by a bus and some of her friends get dropped off by their parents.
Evolving Views on Marriage :-
Their nanny or they take care know this to school or that and doesn’t like to go to her school because she has to go to school by both and of course found that hilarious but did appreciate so much that she wanted to be like every other kid that like made my heart sing as get older get get a little traid us about getting married just do love the idea of being with somebody who you can just you get to choose them every single day for the right person there are certain things would want though to a certain place would want both of us to be in our lives and otherwise can always go do it myself .